Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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