FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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