She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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