Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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