god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Randomize
