Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I could make wine with my vomit
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
