God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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