she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
