I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
