I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
