I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
