nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
