Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
