Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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