Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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