I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
