A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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