I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
