I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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