I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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