I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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