As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
