is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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