I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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