I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
