when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There r osticjed everywhere
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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