And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
