So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
