I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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