then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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