You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
