If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Bring me that man meat
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
