Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
