I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
