I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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