The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
