i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
