I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
