guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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