i will never coherently bang her
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
