seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
