I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
