Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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