someone threw a dead crab at me
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
