PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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