How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
