when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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