I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
