you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
