i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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