she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize