I feel like abortions should bother me more
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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