So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
