Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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