you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
