I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Ladies don't puke and tell
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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