New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
