Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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