my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
