Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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