i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
