You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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