I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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