The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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