Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
