Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
