Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
high people should be assigned attendants
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
