Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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