when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
