whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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